The experts' guide to defusing festive flashpoints

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A tipsy uncle, a lazy partner… the experts’ guide to defusing festive flashpoints

  • FEMAIL spoke to six top psychologists, psychotherapists, doctors and coaches
  • READ MORE: The stars leading the worst dressed at Academy Museum Gala 

Aah, Christmas. The season of goodwill towards all men . . . well, all of them except your brother-in-law who overdoes it on the sherry and then gets lairy at lunch.

And your mother, who spoils her grandkids with expensive presents despite you begging her not to. Goodwill towards them is at an all-time low — unlike your blood pressure, which is spiking at the mere thought of it all.

We spoke to six top psychologists, psychotherapists, doctors and coaches — plus a renowned crisis negotiator — for advice on what to do when those dreaded family flashpoints spark up this festive season.

Femail spoke to six top psychologists, psychotherapists, doctors and coaches — plus a renowned crisis negotiator — for advice on what to do when those dreaded family flashpoints spark up this festive season (stock image)

Inter-generational clashes

Nicky Perfect, former deputy head of the Metropolitan Police’s Crisis Negotiation Unit and author of Crisis (£9.99, HQ), says: 

As several generations gather at Christmas, I predict rows about the conflict in the Middle East and politics, especially as we move towards a general election year. 

Mobile phone use is a perennial one, too — Granny will likely think the children are on theirs too much. Set boundaries. You might say to older family members: ‘I’ve noticed when you mention X subject, it causes tension, so just for one day, could we stay off that topic?’ Don’t apportion blame, just make an observation. When we feel someone is challenging our beliefs, that emotion you feel only lasts for about 90 seconds. So, if your adult son makes a rude dig about your generation, try not to respond in an emotional way for 90 seconds. I have an imaginary pause button that I press when I feel myself getting riled.

‘Failing that, put a jokey sign on the table declaring which subjects are off limits or make a pre-lunch announcement that you are barring certain discussions. Approach it with humour but don’t be afraid to address it.

  • @nickycommscoach

You’re partner isn’t pulling their weight

Owen O’Kane, psychotherapist and author of How To Be Your Own Therapist (£9.99, HQ), says:

When you have a partnership, you’re not dealing with one set of emotions and reactions, you’re dealing with two. One small thing can trigger something much bigger.

Say a husband didn’t empty the dishwasher because he didn’t think it was a priority. But his wife might believe he’s taking her for granted.

In advance, calmly say, ‘It’d be really helpful if you could do X, Y and Z.’ Explain why you need that help and why it might become problematic if you don’t get it. We often assume our partner can mind-read, so clarity is key.

Equally, you must be willing to hear what your partner needs from you. When couples are struggling, they tend to go into enemy mode, but approach hosting as allies so you manage it together and both have a good time.

  • @owenokaneten

As several generations gather at Christmas, I predict rows about the conflict in the Middle East and politics, especially as we move towards a general election year (stock image)

You bicker like teenagers with your siblings

Therapist Jodie Cariss, founder of Self Space on-demand mental health clinics, says:

Have a long, hard think about the amount of time you can cope with your extended family. That might mean you stay one night rather than two. Make everyone aware of your plans, then show up with all the goodwill in the world.

When the teasing starts think, ‘How much does this really cost me?’ If it’s not a huge amount, don’t snipe back. If you feel the cost is too big, take your sibling to one side and calmly say, ‘I feel really upset every time you say that.’ Start the sentence with ‘I feel…’ rather than an accusatory ‘You make me feel . . .’

If you’re the parent of bickering adult siblings, don’t fall into your old role of referee. Take yourself out into the garden with a grandchild. Someone will notice and the fighting will stop.

  • @theselfspace

A family member overdoes the Baileys

Dr Gemma Newman, a family doctor and author of Get Well Stay Well (£20, Ebury Press), says: 

Try to have a compassionate conversation with the person who drinks, rather than a confrontation — and do it in advance of Christmas Day when they are sober.

Try saying, ‘What do you think about the amount you’re drinking?’ This allows them to ask themself the question and respond. Repeat their response back to them — when it’s come from them, they’re more likely to contemplate change.

Stock up on non-alcoholic options. Caleño is an alcohol-free rum and Impossibrew is a booze-free beer. Say, ‘I’ve found these great alcohol-free drinks — care to join me?’ And encourage others to try them, too, so your family member doesn’t feel singled out.

Get everyone out for a walk before sunset. It puts a pause on the drinking, gives everyone some fresh air, and calms the nervous system.

After Christmas, if you feel their drinking has tipped over into something problematic, encourage them to seek medical help.

  • @plantpowerdoctor

If you’re the parent of bickering adult siblings, don’t fall into your old role of referee. Take yourself out into the garden with a grandchild (stock image)

A divorce cancels traditional family plans

Dr Emma Hepburn, a clinical psychologist and author of A Toolkit For Your Emotions (£14.99, Greenfinch), says: 

Every family has their own Christmas traditions and a divorce means you will likely have to change these. You may be feeling emotional about this, but try to keep calm in front of your children. Wait until you’re not with them to have a cry because they can feel very responsible for their parents’ emotions.

You can often predict trigger points in advance and plan for them. So if you think they’ll be upset when they have to leave you or your ex, have something fun and positive to do after daddy goes, such as opening a special present.

Have a discussion with your ex, asking how you can do it differently next year? And don’t be too self-critical — things may go wrong but you can make it better next time.

  • @thepsychologymum

You’re on a budget, but others flash their cash

Chloe Brotheridge, a coach and author of The Anxiety Solution (£12.99, Michael Joseph), says:

Bear in mind that if someone is showing off about their holiday or their car, it may come from a place of insecurity, and their intention is not to make you feel rubbish. If you can reframe their behaviour it’ll seem less annoying. These sort of conversations can make you feel like you haven’t got enough material things, so remember what you do have in your life that’s wonderful.

You have two options: politely steer the chat onto a topic that’s more inclusive — if they talk about money, bring up a Netflix show that everyone has seen instead — or, if you have a close relationship with them, be clear about your boundaries.

If you suspect they’d be aghast to know they’d upset you by going on about their fancy trip when you can’t afford a holiday, discreetly tell them how you feel. Say, ‘Do you mind if we talk about something else? Holidays are a sore point right now.’ It’s not about blaming them, it’s about owning your feelings.

  • @chloebrotheridge

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