{"id":69026,"date":"2023-12-18T13:16:01","date_gmt":"2023-12-18T13:16:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/talkcelnews.com\/?p=69026"},"modified":"2023-12-18T13:16:01","modified_gmt":"2023-12-18T13:16:01","slug":"my-partner-is-spending-christmas-with-his-ex-and-their-kids-i-feel-abandoned-lalala-letmeexplain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/talkcelnews.com\/lifestyle\/my-partner-is-spending-christmas-with-his-ex-and-their-kids-i-feel-abandoned-lalala-letmeexplain\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018My partner is spending Christmas with his ex and their kids – I feel abandoned\u2019 – Lalala Letmeexplain"},"content":{"rendered":"

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. <\/p>\n

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she\u2019s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.<\/p>\n

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Dear Lala,<\/b><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been with my partner for three years in a very healthy relationship. He has two kids from a previous marriage and has an amicable relationship with his children\u2019s mother. It was frosty when we first got together but over the years she\u2019s calmed down and they have been getting on better. <\/p>\n

Since they split, the kids have always been with their mum on Christmas Day and with their dad on Boxing Day, but this year his ex has invited him to spend Christmas Day with her and the kids at her home (which they used to share and he still pays part of the mortgage) which he has agreed to. This includes him sleeping over on Christmas Eve. <\/p>\n

I feel extremely uncomfortable with this, not least because he and I have spent the last two Christmases together and I assumed that we would be together this year too. I feel like he hasn\u2019t acknowledged the fact that he is pretty much abandoning me on Christmas Day in favour of her. He told me casually at the end of November, as though it\u2019s completely normal to spend the night at your ex's house. He lives about 20 minutes from them, why does he need to stay? I completely understand him wanting to spend Christmas with his children, but I don\u2019t see why that has to be with his ex or why he has to sleep over. He could have had them at his house this year instead, but I don\u2019t feel like he even looked at any alternative options and just agreed to her suggestion which concerns me. <\/p>\n

Do you think she\u2019s trying to get him back? He insists that there is nothing romantic between them at all and he doesn\u2019t fancy her anymore, but I don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to get through Christmas Day with my family knowing he\u2019s with her playing happy families without losing my mind. I feel like he has been really selfish, and I can\u2019t help but feel abandoned.<\/p>\n

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Lala says\u2026<\/b><\/p>\n

The thing about dating people with children is that no matter what, the children come first. Or at least they should, and if you were dating someone who wasn\u2019t putting their children first that would be a much bigger red flag. People who prioritise partners over their own kids aren\u2019t the greatest, so he\u2019s doing the right thing by wanting to be there for his children on Christmas Day. For many parents, separation does mean Christmases without your kids. Lots of parents have alternate Christmases, but I think most people who celebrate it would agree that they\u2019d much prefer to be with their children every Christmas Day, so I completely understand why this new arrangement feels best to both of them. It\u2019s the best co-parenting outcome. It\u2019s hard to achieve in many cases though, so respect to them for making it work.<\/p>\n

I also understand why it has freaked you out and made you feel abandoned. He pulled the rug out from under your Christmas. Even though there is nothing essentially wrong with the decision he\u2019s made, the way he did it is hurtful. He didn\u2019t consider your needs, leaving you without plans for Christmas at the end of November which was selfish of him. I\u2019m pleased you\u2019ve got your family to go to. I don\u2019t think that he abandoned you in favour of her though, it sounds like it\u2019s in favour of his children. However, it stands to reason that you feel weird and suspicious. I\u2019d imagine he\u2019s choosing to stay so he can wake up with the children on Christmas morning, but I\u2019m not going to tell you to not feel weird about it. I think I\u2019d also be freaking out.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t answer the question of whether she\u2019s trying to get him back, it\u2019s impossible to tell from this scenario. This is either two parents who are completely platonic and are choosing to have a family Christmas or a couple who have started seeing each other and are getting back together. I guess you\u2019re worried about the possibility that they\u2019ll start out as the former and then something will happen when he stays over. But an equally likely outcome is that they\u2019ll spend 24 hours together on one of the most stressful days of the year and remember exactly why they split up. I can promise you that I\u2019d be well up for my son\u2019s dad staying over for Christmas, but you could not pay me to touch him with a barge pole. Just because we have that history it doesn\u2019t mean there\u2019s anything still there.<\/p>\n

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Have there been other red flags? Has his behaviour changed? If not, and aside from this if it\u2019s a healthy relationship that you want to be in, then it might be helpful to try your best to reframe this from \u2018This ba**ard is getting back with his ex\u2019 to \u2018I\u2019m in a relationship with a man who is proving himself to be a solid loving father and supportive ex-partner\u2019. Those are good qualities. You can\u2019t ask him not to do it, so you have to work on how you feel about it. There\u2019s no evidence of anything now, perhaps it\u2019s best to cross that bridge if you ever come to it.<\/p>\n

The best way to get through the day with your family is to feel the emotions. Talk to a relative about it if you can, but also, don\u2019t focus on it too much, find distractions and things to take your mind off it too. It will be over before you know it, though it may feel like the longest day of your life. I would hope that you can communicate in a non-confrontational way about it because how you feel is valid and it would be good if he were able to reassure you by staying in touch occasionally throughout the day, so you feel less abandoned. Ultimately, I don\u2019t think you can say anything about him spending the day there, but I do think he should have informed you in a better way.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n