In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I’ve been with my partner for three years in a very healthy relationship. He has two kids from a previous marriage and has an amicable relationship with his children’s mother. It was frosty when we first got together but over the years she’s calmed down and they have been getting on better.
Since they split, the kids have always been with their mum on Christmas Day and with their dad on Boxing Day, but this year his ex has invited him to spend Christmas Day with her and the kids at her home (which they used to share and he still pays part of the mortgage) which he has agreed to. This includes him sleeping over on Christmas Eve.
I feel extremely uncomfortable with this, not least because he and I have spent the last two Christmases together and I assumed that we would be together this year too. I feel like he hasn’t acknowledged the fact that he is pretty much abandoning me on Christmas Day in favour of her. He told me casually at the end of November, as though it’s completely normal to spend the night at your ex's house. He lives about 20 minutes from them, why does he need to stay? I completely understand him wanting to spend Christmas with his children, but I don’t see why that has to be with his ex or why he has to sleep over. He could have had them at his house this year instead, but I don’t feel like he even looked at any alternative options and just agreed to her suggestion which concerns me.
Do you think she’s trying to get him back? He insists that there is nothing romantic between them at all and he doesn’t fancy her anymore, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through Christmas Day with my family knowing he’s with her playing happy families without losing my mind. I feel like he has been really selfish, and I can’t help but feel abandoned.
Lala says…
The thing about dating people with children is that no matter what, the children come first. Or at least they should, and if you were dating someone who wasn’t putting their children first that would be a much bigger red flag. People who prioritise partners over their own kids aren’t the greatest, so he’s doing the right thing by wanting to be there for his children on Christmas Day. For many parents, separation does mean Christmases without your kids. Lots of parents have alternate Christmases, but I think most people who celebrate it would agree that they’d much prefer to be with their children every Christmas Day, so I completely understand why this new arrangement feels best to both of them. It’s the best co-parenting outcome. It’s hard to achieve in many cases though, so respect to them for making it work.
I also understand why it has freaked you out and made you feel abandoned. He pulled the rug out from under your Christmas. Even though there is nothing essentially wrong with the decision he’s made, the way he did it is hurtful. He didn’t consider your needs, leaving you without plans for Christmas at the end of November which was selfish of him. I’m pleased you’ve got your family to go to. I don’t think that he abandoned you in favour of her though, it sounds like it’s in favour of his children. However, it stands to reason that you feel weird and suspicious. I’d imagine he’s choosing to stay so he can wake up with the children on Christmas morning, but I’m not going to tell you to not feel weird about it. I think I’d also be freaking out.
I can’t answer the question of whether she’s trying to get him back, it’s impossible to tell from this scenario. This is either two parents who are completely platonic and are choosing to have a family Christmas or a couple who have started seeing each other and are getting back together. I guess you’re worried about the possibility that they’ll start out as the former and then something will happen when he stays over. But an equally likely outcome is that they’ll spend 24 hours together on one of the most stressful days of the year and remember exactly why they split up. I can promise you that I’d be well up for my son’s dad staying over for Christmas, but you could not pay me to touch him with a barge pole. Just because we have that history it doesn’t mean there’s anything still there.
Have there been other red flags? Has his behaviour changed? If not, and aside from this if it’s a healthy relationship that you want to be in, then it might be helpful to try your best to reframe this from ‘This ba**ard is getting back with his ex’ to ‘I’m in a relationship with a man who is proving himself to be a solid loving father and supportive ex-partner’. Those are good qualities. You can’t ask him not to do it, so you have to work on how you feel about it. There’s no evidence of anything now, perhaps it’s best to cross that bridge if you ever come to it.
The best way to get through the day with your family is to feel the emotions. Talk to a relative about it if you can, but also, don’t focus on it too much, find distractions and things to take your mind off it too. It will be over before you know it, though it may feel like the longest day of your life. I would hope that you can communicate in a non-confrontational way about it because how you feel is valid and it would be good if he were able to reassure you by staying in touch occasionally throughout the day, so you feel less abandoned. Ultimately, I don’t think you can say anything about him spending the day there, but I do think he should have informed you in a better way.
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