My lover and I are trying for a baby – only snag is she hasn’t told her partner

DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship with my girlfriend was all about the sex at first but now we love one another and are trying for a baby.

The only snag is she hasn’t told her partner.


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Our relationship was very intense from the start last year. Both of us saw it as no-strings sex but quickly began to fall for one another.

We see each other most days, message when we can’t, cook, go out for walks together, and have very regular sex.

We managed to keep our relationship going, even when we couldn’t see one another so much during lockdown. She still managed to come and spend nights with me though. I have no idea what she told her partner.

She says she wants to be with me and that a big part of what holds her back is knowing she will miss seeing her partner’s two kids from his previous relationship.

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They are ten and eight and she loves them to bits. I am 29, she is 30 and her partner is 41. She told me how much she wants a baby of her own so we started trying a couple of months ago.

She says it will be easier to tell her partner she is leaving if she is pregnant, as she won’t be able to hide that for long. I don’t see how that will help.

Yes, her partner will notice she is pregnant but I would have thought he would be more hurt and upset when he finds out she’s having another man’s baby.

I am falling for her fast and I told her it’s unfair on me to keep me hanging in the shadows and to be having an affair with me behind her partner’s back. I know how I would feel in his shoes.

Her response is that all she wants is to be with me. The trouble is, I have heard that before from someone else. I am scared of getting hurt again.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right. If your lover gets pregnant, that won’t necessarily resolve the dilemma she has with her partner – far from it.

Breaking up with him is likely to involve even more anger and distress if she is having another man’s baby, and she would be even more likely to lose touch with her ex’s children.

If she is still having sex with her partner – and you can’t be sure she’s not – it could be his child, of course, and then you could be looking at more uncertainty and DNA tests.

Or is getting pregnant her main aim and could she decide to stay put once that is achieved? Children are clearly very important to her.

Best to wait to try for a baby until she has broken up with her partner and your relationship is committed.

And of course having sex with her while she is still living with her partner brings the added risk of spreading coronavirus.

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