As we had previously reported, ABC made the mind-boggling decision to cast Sean Spicer for Dancing With The Stars.
That showed extremely poor taste — almost as pitiful as Spicey’s attempt to dance, as you can see in the video we’ve included.
But he wasn’t the only massive disappointment on the season premiere. And some of the first-rate dancers were the last people you’d expect.
Before we get into how the dancers performed and were scored, we have to address how the judging is different this season.
Last season, the worst of the final dancers won. This had the entire show in a bit of a frenzy.
They’d like to at least pretend that Dancing With The Stars is some sort of objective measure of dancing quality and not a popularity contest.
So to avoid another Bobby Bones in Season 28, the main solution seems to just be … making the judges a little meaner.
We don’t know if audience scores have been nerfed to less than 50%, but the judges didn’t give anything above a 7 on Monday night.
Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten performed the Cha Cha.
This is no small thing — there’s lots of energy and movement required.
While Hannah could technically perform better, she did an admirable job, especially for her first dance.
Together, they scored a 7, a 7, anda 6.
She may end up being a better dancer than she was at picking a fiance.
Kel Mitchell and Whitney Carson did the Tango.
I hate to roast Kel, particularly as someone who grew up watching Nickelodeon and who loves Orange Soda a lot.
But … while he showed potential, his movements needed a lot of improvement.
There where a couple of times when their hands seemed to lose their grips on each other.
They were scored a 6, a 5, and a 5.
We love Kate Flannery from The Office (and from my personal fancast to play June Shannon in the inevitable tragic biopic).
She and Pasha Pashkov’s dance was allegedly Cha Cha, but we’ll mostly have to take their word for it.
Less-than-stellar footwork wins you a less-than-stellar score.
The pair was awared 5s across the board from all three judges.
The good thing is that she was clearly having fun.
Lamar Odom and Peta Murgatroyd performed a Foxtrot … to the very best of Lamar’s ability.
You know how a lot of dancers are also athletes because of how amazingly fit and toned they get?
The opposite is not necessarily true. You clearly don’t need a solid sense of rhythm to become a legendary basketball player.
Still, he knew the steps, which has to count for something.
That “something” turned out to be a 5, a 3, and another 3 from the judges.
Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko did a fine job at Cha Cha.
In fact, Lauren surprised a lot of audience members because she had really been harsh on her dancing abilities.
Does she not know her own skills or was she just hustling the audience by lowering expectations?
The judges were clearly impressed and handed out a 7, a 6, and a 6.
If she’s already this good, we can’t wait to see her improve during the season.
We kind of knew that Sailor Brinkley-Cook wasn’t going to have the hardest-hitting performance of the night.
She only had three days ot train with Val after her mother, legendary beauty Christie Brinkley, broke her arm.
The lack of time showed, as it was readily apparent that she didn’t have full trust in Val Chmerkovskiy as her dance partner.
Still, what’s clearly a tremendous amount of potential and perhaps some understand on the part of the judges paid off.
Sailor won a 6, a 6, and a 6. We know that her mom was proud — she was there in the audience.
Karamo Brown and Jenna Johnson deserve some points for including a lift in their Salsa.
But Karamo is not a dancer. The Queer Eye star alternated between awkward, stiff movements and concentrating more on charm than his steps.
The pair won a 6, a 5, and a 6.
Ray Lewis and Cheryl Burke also did a Salsa, and Ray’s discomfort was palpable.
He seemed focused upon keeping up with the routine. In dance, you need to know the routine by heart so that you can put charisma and flair into it.
Their lackluster performance earned them a 5, a 5, and a 5 from the judges.
Mary Wilson and Brandon Armstrong danced a Foxtrot, and she looked absolutely beautiful.
Unfortunately, it was painfully clear that she was distracted — in part by her hair — and self-conscious, which makes everything less graceful.
Dancing the correct steps counts for something, and the pair were awared a 6, a 5, and a 6.
Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber had a great start that just couldn’t lass.
Ally ended up flubbing a move about halfway through. Nerves can get you, even if you know the dance.
The pair won a 5, a 5, and a 6.
James Van Der Beek and Emma Slater were one of the couples that we were really excited to see.
Why? Not only is James one of the only ’90s stars who doesn’t seem to spew nightmarish politic at everyone, but he’s sort of done this before.
He once performed a FAKE Dancing With The Stars routine on Don’t Trust The B in Apartment 23, and that experience sone through.
He was phenomenal, graceful, and a real joy to watch.
The judges clearly agreed, as they handed him a 7, a 7, and a 7 — the night’s equivalent of straight As.
And then there was Sean Spicer and Lindsay Arnold, attempting to Salsa dance.
His over-the-top green shirt was clearly an attempt to distract from how truly poor his dance skills are, but it still wasn’t enough.
The dude was committed but totally lacking in grace, and the judges recognized that by doling out a 4, a 4, and a 4.
Given that he’s complicit in the attempted destruction of America and every crime committed by the Trump Administration, that’s a little generous.
Quite frankly, the only dance that we’re interested in seeing Spicer perform is the Cell Block Tango.
It’s not that he’s well-suited to the legendary number from Chicago — it’s just that he should be in prison where he belongs.
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